Knowing Him,  Marriage

Wanna Improve Your Marriage??Know the Love Language of Your Spouse

pixabay.comDo you want to improve your marriage?

Its an easy question as answer to this question is almost always yes. The difficult part is how to improve it. One important factor which helps a lot in improving your married life is to know the emotional needs of your spouse. Both men and women think that they know what their husband’s or wife’s emotional needs are. But in reality this is not the case in most of the instances.

You know about your own emotional needs and you think that your spouse has the same needs. When you try to fulfill your spouse based on this knowledge dissatisfaction in your married life is an ultimate result.

How to know Your Spouse’s Emotional Needs

A few years back I read the book “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus” by John Gray. I was blown away by the way it showed how different men and women are and how unaware they are of their differences. It is definitely one of the best books which gives you a very fine insight in the needs of a man and a woman especially in a love relationship. If you want to improve your marriage then  I  definitely recommend this book.

Each and every chapter of this book is a gem. Out of all, I found the one which addresses the different emotional needs of men and women, most interesting. Today I am sharing with you the crux of that chapter (many of sentences are excerpts from the book to convey the full meaning).

Love Languages

Men and women have different emotional needs John Gray describes these emotional needs as Love languages. According to him there are following twelve love languages in total.

  1. Caring
  2. Understanding
  3. Respect
  4. Devotion
  5. Validation
  6. Reassurance
  7. Trust
  8. Acceptance
  9. Appreciation
  10. Admiration
  11. Approval
  12. Encouragement
Primary Love Languages

For both, a man and a woman, there are some primary emotional needs which should be fulfilled first to make them receptive and open to all kinds of love languages. He calls them Primary Love Languages.

  • Primary Love languages of a Woman
  1. Caring
  2. Understanding
  3. Respect
  4. Devotion
  5. Validation
  6. Reassurance
  • Primary Love Languages of a Man
  1. Trust
  2. Acceptance
  3. Appreciation
  4. Admiration
  5. Approval
  6. Encouragement

Ultimately both men and women need all twelve kinds of love but to be appreciative and receptive to all of them their respective primary love needs must be fulfilled first. When men and women don’t know these differences in their emotional needs both of them assume that the opposite gender has similar emotional needs. Therefore in order to be loving and affectionate each one of them gives what they need and not what the other one needs.

The primary love languages of a woman, when fulfilled, reciprocate the primary love languages of a man and vice versa. Let’s see it in detail.

  1. She Needs CARING and He Needs TRUST
  • For a woman caring is to show interest and concern for her feelings and well-being.
  • To trust a man is to believe that he wants the best and he is doing the best for his partner.

When a woman is cared for she feels special as a result she begins to trust him and be more open and receptive to him.

When a woman’s attitude is open and receptive towards her man, he feels trusted. When he feels trusted he is automatically more caring and attentive to her needs and feelings.

  • To be understanding to a woman is to listen to her with empathy and relatedness without judging her or trying to fix her problems.
  • For a man acceptance is to not try to improve him and to believe that he has the ability to improve himself.

When a woman’s need of understanding is fulfilled she feels heard and understood. As a result she lovingly receives that man without trying to change him, he feels accepted. When a man feels accepted it is much easier for him to listen and give her the understanding which she needs and deserves.

  1. She Needs RESPECT & He Needs APPRECIATION
  • To respect a woman is to acknowledge and prioritize her rights, needs and wishes.
  • For a man appreciation is to acknowledge his efforts and behaviors.

When a woman acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from a man’s effort and behavior, he feels appreciated. As a reaction to this appreciation he is motivated to respect her more.

  1. She Needs DEVOTION & He Needs ADMIRATION
  • To show devotion to a woman is to show her that her feelings and needs are more important than his other interests like work, study and recreation. To fulfill her need of devotion she must feel that she is number 1 in his life.
  • For a man admiration is to regard him with wonder, delight and pleased approval. A man feels admired when she is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or talents which may include humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding and other old fashioned virtues.

When a woman feels that she is number one in his life she admires him. When a man feels admired he feels secure enough to devote himself to his woman and adore her.

  1. She Needs VALIDATION & He Needs APPROVAL
  • To validate a woman is to not object or argue with her feelings and wants but instead accept them and confirm their validity.
  • Deep inside, every man wants to be his woman’s hero. To give approval to a man is to give him the signal that he has passed her tests and he is her hero.

An approving attitude recognizes and looks for the good reason behind what he does. When a man learns to let a woman know that he has validating attitude towards her he is assured of getting the approval that he needs. When he receives the approval he needs, it becomes easier for him to validate her feelings.

  • Reassurance for a woman is to let her know again and again that she is continually loved.
  • To give encouragement to a man is to express confidence in his abilities and character.

To fulfill her need of reassurance a man needs to repeatedly show that he cares, understands, respects and validates and is devoted to her.  When a man is encouraged by a woman it motivates him to give her the loving reassurance that she needs. When a woman’s attitude expresses trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration and approval it encourages a man to be all that he can be. Feeling encouraged motivates him to give her the loving reassurance that she needs.


To get the best out of your marriage you need to give what your spouse needs and only then you can get what you need in return. By giving what you need without taking into consideration the love needs of your spouse you might damage your relationship instead of strengthening it.

Have you ever felt that emotional needs of men and women are different? Give your feedback in the comment section.


Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus By John Gray



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